Push

Sometimes I want to scream out because I can’t get the negative shit out of my mind. My brain seems to be so full of “what-if”s lately, that it’s hard to focus on what’s going on right now.

I keep forgetting to go by the big rule of loving myself, I keep finding small things about myself that I just don’t love. You are what you love, but the question is; what do I love? Right now? I love my kids, that’s a constant, I love my best friend (another constant) and, well.. I don’t know what else I love anymore. I don’t think that I am one of the things that I love.

I keep trying to fake it. I keep trying to find some ground for the things that I’ve been doing, I keep trying to remind myself that there are reasons that I have decided to do whatever.. and often times those reasons seems to be out of the best interest of myself, but I’m beginning to question if that’s really the case or not.

I have made a valiant effort on changing my situation to try to change my mood, but I keep finding myself looking back. I keep looking back, and I keep wondering why I’m so stuck in the idea of living in the past. I keep realizing more and more that the things that I thought were happening a week ago may have all just been some kind of a shitty farce, and I keep wondering why I didn’t realize it before.. And I guess that’s just making me more solid in the choice that I have made today. More certain that I did the right thing.

I keep getting that feeling of those fingers creeping up and wrapping themselves around my heart, just testing me, reminding me that they’re there. Those fingers belong to depression, to anxiety, to my own insecurities. I wish that I could just burn them out, I wish that I could make them disappear, I wish that I could stop acknowledging them and giving them a chance to rip me limb from limb, but I am beginning to think that it may be near impossible. I am beginning to think that I’m going to inevitably be down, sooner or later, and there’s quite frankly nothing that I can do about it other than stop living in the past or the future. I need to remind myself to live now. Now is all that matters.

Right now, I want to scream.

The only person dragging me down, at this point, is myself. I need to go out and recognize that there is beauty in the world. I need to remind myself that maybe life isn’t shitty, that maybe I have some kind of control over the outcome of my mood of the day. I need to remind myself that I don’t have to be depressed. I need to remind myself that I need to just let go, that I need to just ride this out, that I need to do all these fucking things. All these fucking needs. All these wants…

The only thing that I really need to do is breathe.

If only I could get rid of the unnerving sense of doom that’s been lingering over me… If I could just get out of this fog. I keep trying to remind myself that I can do all of these things. That the word “can’t” shouldn’t be a part of my vocabulary. I have control. I’m the only person that has control of any aspect of my life. I have the kill-switch at my fingertips, and I can choose to push it at any given moment. The only things I can’t do are touch the future, and meddle with the past.

My lack of confidence in myself disgusts me. The fact that I let other people sway what I feel about myself disgusts me even more. The fact that I think that I need any sort of seal approval from society makes my stomach churn, I guess this is why I am writing this right now.. I need to overcome at least one of these things at a time… I need to keep pushing…

It’s a matter of which path I should take, at this point, more than anything. It’s a matter of trying to figure out if I should take that brighter, smoothly paved path.. Or if I should go down the darker, overgrown path. The dirt road or the paved road? Where am I pushing myself?