I feel like I left off on a chaotic note, as if things were a little unresolved.. I know that I said I had broken up with my boyfriend because I was terrified of what may come in the future, but I fixed things.
I’ve come to the realization (with a little help from a friend) that the future is a myth. The only thing that should matter is happening right now. If I love someone today, why should I abandon them because I’m afraid that my heart may hurt in the future? Why not love them as many days as I can until I don’t anymore, because who’s to say that it won’t be forever. No one actually knows.
My conclusion was that I love Andy today, and that what happens tomorrow or a week, possibly even a month or year, down the road doesn’t matter. What matters is that I love him now. I want to be with him right now.
I keep finding myself concerned with what tomorrow brings and because of this I find myself not living in the present. I feel like I just keep distracting myself and fretting over things that could happen, rather than the things that are happening. I feel like a hot mess, and I guess writing about it is helping a bit.
I have been struggling a lot with anxiety and depression lately. These things are scary, and they make me want to make terrifying, irrational decisions. I feel like I need to quit stoking the fires with them because they are toxic for me. I feel like I need to open up more and let the world know how difficult it is to live with these things… There are some days where I feel like I have a valid reason for these thoughts and these feelings that reoccur on a regular basis, and then there are moments when it’s completely unexplainable. There have been some times when I’ve thought that perhaps I should seek out a doctor, to medicate myself, and then there are times when I feel like I’m top of the world and I have complete control over everything.
Depression is a serious problem that I think people are just now realizing. I think that a lot of people think it’s something that you can just flip off and on with a switch, and I also think that all of those people are wrong. I know for a fact how difficult it is to just get out of bed when you’re depressed, let alone try to be around people or try to do something that is good for you. It’s so easy to just start believing that you’re a lost cause, it’s so easy to just think about letting go entirely, and some people even wind up letting go. It’s terrifying to think that you wouldn’t want to exist at all, to feel as if you’re invisible entirely. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with, and sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to snap back out of it.
It comes and goes in waves. There could be a stretch of 3-5 days without that hopeless feeling, but after that everything begins to feel as if it’s crashing down. It makes me think about this theory that I learned about in sociology where if one person is having a bad day, soon the person next to them is having a difficult day, and then it’s a chain reaction. By having a bad day, it’s as if you’re polluting not just yourself; but, the world. And, at times, because of that.. I find myself shutting away from everyone and everything. I find myself not replying to the messages that people try to send me, I find myself binge-watching TV shows on netflix, hiding in the bathroom and crying.. I find myself turning into a lost cause.. even though I know, deep down inside, that I don’t need to be.
Then, the anxiety settles in. The anxiety, I think, is the worst part of it all. There are times when I feel as if I’ve lost complete control over my emotions, where I feel like I just want to scream.. Where I just want to bury myself in a hole and suffocate more than just mentally. I feel as if depression and anxiety go hand in hand. I feel like when I’m depressed, it often turns into a massive panic attack. My heart races, I’m short of breath, my palms are sweaty, and I feel like I want to vomit. That, right there, is a panic attack.
I didn’t try to open up with Andy at all, I assumed that he didn’t sign up for a crazy girlfriend, and I regret not opening up to him because it caused a lot of unnecessary grief today. I know that it agitated him, I could see it in his eyes, but what really impressed me was his ability to try and take hold of the situation and talk me through it after I called him bawling and asking to see him in person. We walked around town and he told me about all the things that may help, all the things that I should be focusing on, and how if I am down I should just tell him so that he can try and understand why.. Try and help me. That’s what couples do, they help each other. They don’t abandon each other when one of them falls down and gets hurt a bit. They are suppose to be a team, and I really do think that we could make a great team if we give each other the chance.
When I decided to break up with my boyfriend, I felt as if my heart was literally being ripped from my chest. I felt as if I was suffocating, I felt as if I was hitting the pavement after falling for what felt like an eternity. I felt so wrong that I knew my decision couldn’t be right.
I suppose that the best thing you can do when you’re depressed is to try and reach out to the people that you love, because if they love you at all back they’ll try to help you come up with some kind of a solution. I feel like I failed in not trying to reach out to someone, especially not reaching out to the person that’s suppose to be tackling life by my side right now, my partner in crime. It’s selfish of me, and inconsiderate. It’s childish. It’s so many things that just aren’t right.. and I need to just let go of it now, I suppose.
Right now? I feel guilty because of the fact that it took someone pointing out how it was wrong to me. However, I don’t feel as wrong about it as I did about the act in itself.
I panicked, I fucked up, add this to the very long list of mistakes I’ve managed to make.
I guess the biggest thing is, forget about the future. Let go of the past. All that really matters is now, because now is the only thing that you actually have control over.
I suppose what I need to do is raise my fist at my dilemmas and show them that they won’t gain control of me. I need to show myself how things should be, not just who happens to read through this thing.