There are so many things out there that we want… So many things that don’t even make sense. There are the materialistic things that society has us believing we need, some things that make more sense than others like a roof over our heads, a car to get us from point A to point B, a steady source of income to pay the bills to ensure that we can keep those things, and then there are things out there that we have stuck in our heads of “ideal” relationships, what we expect out of a relationship, what we look for in that relationship… even if we already have a perfect relationship already. It makes no sense at all. There’s always greener grass on the other side of the hill that we haven’t seen, and it’s in human nature to at least be curious about it.. To do stupid things like leave our perfectly green grass that we already have for the grass that we think is better over there, the grass that we were greatly mistaken about. The grass that is actually dead about 20 feet out of sight, the grass that’s poisoning us and misleading us.
I guess, what I’m trying to say is, what is it that we all actually need? I know there are the things like food and water, but what more do we really need aside from that? Maybe a pair of shoes for when the weather is bad, but is that a need or is that more a comfort/want? What about that roof over our head? Do we really need that or is that just a want? There are so many people out there without roofs, who’s to say we can’t all live without one? A car? Why do we need a car when we have two perfectly good feet to use? Because sometimes things are out of “walking-distance”, sure, but why do we need to go get those things, see those things, etc? Why can’t we be satisfied with where we are, what we have?
Recently, I found myself chasing after greener grass on the other side of the hill. To my surprise, that grass was nowhere near as green as I had imagined, in fact it was quite the opposite. I left the grass that I had, the grass that was perfectly sustainable, in hopes for an easier path. I thought that I was making the right choice, and now that the grass that I had before is unobtainable, I find myself realizing that I made a huge mistake. I had a friend tell me that maybe it was fate, maybe things weren’t meant to be, but I can’t help regretting the choice that I made. I can’t help regretting the fact that I know I hurt that grass really bad by leaving for what I thought was better grass.. I can’t help but regret not staying where I was, being happy with what I had, I can’t help missing it.. and then I catch myself wondering.. Am I just wanting it back because I can’t have it?
The thing is, people tend to want things that they can’t have. I do it. You do it. We all do it. But why? Why is it that we want these things so bad? Why can’t anyone just be satisfied? What the fuck is wrong with us? It’s things like these that make me wish I wasn’t human. It’s things like these that make me wish that life was more simplistic, like we were all dogs or something.. Life might be easier, but what do I know? It’s another one of those situations where the grass may seem greener, but it probably isn’t.
I’m stuck in a rut where I’m not sure which route I should take, all I know is that I have to do it all on my own. I need to provide my own stability, I need to grow my own grass and be satisfied with it before I try to find some kind of a fertilizer to add to it, some kind of a flower to plant in it.. I need to figure things out on my own. This is a big struggle in my life, it has always been, I always find myself thinking that I need another person in order to function properly. I need to rely less on the world and less on the people who I choose to surround myself with, I need to rely more on me. I need to seek independence, be my own person.
It all sounds so simple when you put it down into text, but it really isn’t. There’s far more to it. Far more that I can’t really explain, that I don’t really want to explain, all I know is that I keep finding myself wanting things that I can’t have. Things that fate is trying to tell me I shouldn’t have. I can’t accept my fate. I can’t accept much of anything, lately, and I need to get over it. I need to do what I keep telling myself to do on here and that’s push forward. I need to push myself, kick myself in the ass, get myself in gear, and focus on the things that should be important to me.. Things like my kids, my family, myself, things that I can’t change. That’s what I need to do; I know that for certain.
“Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don’t reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I can’t take it.”