The consequences that I’ve rendered

I keep finding myself trying to find a person to fill up this emptiness that I’m struggling with. I keep finding myself trying to find some type of replacement-friend.. I keep finding myself lost, confused, hurt, and having no one to talk to. I’ve contemplated looking on Craigslist; posting an ad on there saying “Best friend wanted!” or something to that extent, but then I think that maybe in a few months I may feel differently and I may try to re-attempt befriending my best friend again. Maybe, by then. the dust will have settled and things can go back to how they were.. Buy my biggest question right now is; do I want them to?

I catch myself in situations that I’d normally go and tell my best friend about, like “someone sent me this message”, or
“I saw this and thought of you, do you want me to get it for you?” and I keep feeling even more empty. I feel like I don’t have that person that was getting me through all the rowdiness in my life, that person that I could just chit-chat with, that person that I could cry to.. .and I feel like that person has been missing from my life far longer than since I removed her. Everything just became chaotic towards the end, it was all just so much like the last time all of this happened. I’ve been told that ┬áit’s perhaps because she’s a fair-weather friend, but I catch myself wondering if maybe I am the one who is the fair-weather friend.

I have began to realize that I just can’t seem to have a best friend for more than a couple of years at a time. They die, they stop talking to me, etc.. I catch myself wondering if maybe I’m just not meant for companionship, and those thoughts are the thoughts that keep making me push the world away. I feel like I’m running out of people who are close to me in my life, and I’m wondering if that’s okay. I’m wondering if I should just start anew in some other city, if I should try to run away from my troubles. I catch myself wondering how far I can go and still be able to afford to pick up my kids for the weekends, for a few days here and there, and I keep thinking about all this possibilities that involve escaping my problems.

I just want to walk away and never look back. This town brings out the worst in people. It’s sad watching everyone try to escape, watching everyone fail miserably. I don’t even know what to do about myself, but I know that I’m tired of watching everyone else that’s stayed behind destroy themselves…

I have been told that I blame everyone else for my issues, but the truth is I’m constantly blaming myself. I don’t like to talk about how much I blame myself, I don’t want people to think that I’m weak, I don’t want people to think less of me than they already do. I just want to figure out how I can overcome my issues on my own. I don’t want to burden another person with the tasks that I’m stewing over in my head. I just want to be able to talk about them, not gain advice. I just want to throw them out there and have the person be like “man, that sucks” and leave it at that.

When I think about what my ideal best friend would be, I find myself at a loss. I find myself wondering if I even know who I am anymore. I find myself wondering if, perhaps, I should just learn to be my own best friend… but the more I think about it, the more I just don’t know that I have the strength to do it. I don’t know if it would benefit me at all. I feel like a butterfly that’s been caged… I feel like a bird whose wings have been clipped.. I feel like a horse with a broken leg. I feel like I should just disappear.

Broken

I feel like my life is being divided into a million pieces. I feel like my heart is made of glass, and I managed to just throw the biggest rock I could through it. Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I was afraid that I love him too much, because I was afraid that I would break my own heart if I stayed with him. I don’t know how any of this makes sense, I just felt like it did. I felt like he was my soulmate, almost, and I don’t feel like he felt the same way… I told him I wanted us to just be friends, that I felt it was safer for me that way. I told him that I’ve been struggling with depression a lot lately, that I feel like he didn’t sign up for this, that it would destroy us.. that it was inevitable. I just wish I could show him how I feel, how much I like him, and make him understand more just how terrifying it all is to like someone so much. I feel like the flood gates to my eyes have opened, and now I just can’t stop crying.

There are so many days that I try to be strong, this is not one of those days. I try to pride myself in the ability to compose myself, but I’m so terrified of confrontation that I did all of this shit through a text message. I could’ve told him to his face, but I was afraid of crying in front of him. I didn’t want to seem weak, I wanted to seem strong and smart. i wanted to feel like what I was doing was right; but the truth is I don’t even know if it is right at all. I don’t know anything anymore. If it was suppose to happen, why does it hurt so bad? Why am I second-guessing my choice? I think everything would be easier if he’d just text me back, but all I got were three replies.. Three in comparison to my 8ish.

I feel like I’m slipping,. I feel like I just want to become a recluse and hate the world. I feel like doing the things that I think make sense don’t make sense at all. I feel like I want to scream; like I’m drowning. I feel like a big hot mess.. And it’s all my own fault.

I need to suck it up and go talk to him in person. I need to be an adult. I need to do all of these things that society would define as right, but most of all.. I need to do one thing each day that scares me.