I’m sitting here and wondering what on earth I’m doing with myself. I feel like one minute things might be okay, then the next something inside my head snaps and all of my love and happiness is thrown into a barrier at 100mph. I feel manic. I feel like everything that I want to say comes out like something a sniveling five year old would say. Nothing feels right, but it feels like I deserve it.
The sound of the rain pounding against my bedroom window is caressing my soul, it’s making me a mess. Is this what they call seasonal depression? The cold makes me bitter, the rain is hit and miss… Sometimes I want to be in it, jump in, be one with the water that’s falling from the sky.. Other times I want to sit and scowl at it, wish it away, wish for the warm sun against my skin again.
I have been dealing with Pancreatitis for the past week, and oh god what a terrible feeling it is. I didn’t leave the house once from Wednesday-Saturday, and then I came back home Sunday and fell onto the bed like I’d over-exerted myself. I feel like I’m physically broken, spiritually broken, like I have no grasp of what is to come. I make promises to people, and then I wonder if I make those promises as some sort of sick and twisted subconscious way of inevitably disappointing myself.
I’m afraid, right now, if I let myself cry it will never stop. I’m afraid that I may drown in my tears and forget how to swim. I’m afraid that I’m alone, and nothing can make me feel otherwise. No one can save me, now. I’m a lost cause.
Love makes me happy one moment, then sick the next. I slip and I forget the right things to say, the right ways to act and then I feel like I’ve failed so hard. I feel like I’ve fallen onto my face and I’ve managed to capture all of the downs that go alongside those ups that I last posted about.
Love is poisonous. Love is a death-sentence. Love is killing me.
I feel like nothing is real, yet everything is too real. Today, I feel like I’m closer to dying than I’ve ever felt before. Everything just feels so painful. Help me, I’m drowning.
I want to be buried in the sand, I want the salt from the ocean to tickle my nostrils, I want to feel the waves crash against my feet. That is love. Whatever this is, I don’t know. It hurts too much, but maybe that’s proof enough that it is love. I long for it like I long for the ocean. I long to be held, consoled, reminded that someone out there loves me deeply and eternally. I just wish that out there wasn’t over two thousand miles away.